Ms Maya
by purplefishcake
Summary: Maya decided to take up teaching as a part-time job. Let the polluting the minds of children with nonsense begin!
1. Introductions and Hamburgers

**A/N: Hehehe…Another fic. I noticed that there weren't much fics about Maya only, so I was daydreaming in class and this idea popped up. Yes, I daydreamed in class. I was bored, besides, I was done with my work anyways.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Maya!**

"Okay, class, from now onwards, I'm your new teacher! I'm Maya Fey, but you can just call me Maya!"

"Yes, Ms. Maya!" the class of first graders chorused.

"Hey, didn't I tell you to just call me Maya? Oh well, never mind. We're wasting time talking about my name. First, I'd like to get to know all of you, so please introduce yourselves."

A little boy stood up, "I'm-"

"No! Not like that! Standing up and saying your names like that is boring! Do it this way, hold this hamburger," she handed him a hamburger, "eat it as fast as you can and try to beat me!"

"Ms. Maya, I don't see how this is related to introductions," a little girl said.

"It does!"

"How?" another little boy asked.

"Well, when you eat this hamburger, you put it inside your mouth right?" the children nodded and Maya continued, "Well, the hamburger reads your name from your mouth, and then it tells me your name before it gets swallowed."

"But, Ms. Maya, our Science teacher, Mr. Holmes (1), told us that hamburgers are not living creatures!" the little boy that was holding the hamburger said.

"Well, you see, I'm a spirit medium, so I can communicate with the dead."

"But hamburgers are not dead! They're not even living creatures!" a little girl said.

"Well, as you can see, this hamburger has ham in it, right? This ham was once alive, therefore hamburgers are actually dead!" Maya concluded.

A chorus of 'ooooooh's followed after Maya's explanation.

"Wow, Ms. Maya, you're so smart! You're smarter than Mr. Holmes!" the children commented.

"Why, thank you, now, on with the introductions."

Maya and a little boy had an eating competition and soon, Maya won.

"Okay, you're name is…Tom!" she said, reading his name tag.

"Yes! How'd you know?!" Tom answered.

"Hehehe…I've got ESP, didn't I tell you that? Besides, the hamburger told me."

All of them gazed at her in admiration. She was just too cool! Then, they began asking her their names one by one. All Maya needed to do was to read their name tags.

AT THE END OF THE DAY…

The principal came around to Maya's class to ask a random student what he/she has just learnt in class that day. He asked Tommy.

"Tommy, what did you learn in class today?" he asked.

"I learnt that when living things die, they become dead. Also, Ms. Maya has ESP!!"

"Why is that?"

"She knew all our names without even asking us!"

The principal sighed. He didn't want to tell the little boy that his name tag was the reason for her knowing. He might start crying and his parents would kill him. He didn't want to die.

"Good boy. Ms. Maya must be a great teacher. See you tomorrow!"

Little did the principal know, Maya was polluting the minds of the kids with utter nonsense.

**A/N: So...There was an earthquake where I was yesterday…It was nothing serious. I think. I'm just saying. Also, I'll be getting my own computer soon, so I'll be updating more quickly from then on! Oh, and this isn't a one-shot. I'm planning on having Maya teach the kids separate lessons like Math, English, Science…You get the idea.**

**PLEASE REVIEW!**


	2. Biology and Babies

**A/N: Chapter 2 of Ms. Maya! ^^**

**Also, this chappie is dedicated to one of the English teachers in my school. I had never known him personally, but he interviewed me when I was transferring to the school. He passed away on Sunday due to cardiac arrest. Well, to be more specific, he fell down from the heart attack and hit his head. And what's worse, it was his birthday that day! Rest in peace, Mr. Arthur.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Maya, as well as the people in the AA series.**

Maya entered the classroom of her class. She was now teaching them Biology (1). She was now a substitute for their Science teacher Mr. Holmes.

"So, class. Biology is a hard subject because you have to memorize these cells in this poster," she said, pointing to a reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaally big poster behind her, "that I drew last night. Also, you have to memorize the cell structure."

The class stared blankly at her. "If it's so hard, then why are you going to teach it to us?" a little girl asked.

"Oh, that's a wonderful question, Amy!" Maya replied."Well, you will be learning them, but I won't teach 'em to you because it confuses me too. I'll just leave Mr. Holmes to explain it to you later when he gets better. So, since it's Biology, I'll explain what parents dread to explain to children like you: where babies come from!" Maya clapped her hands.

The class of first graders looked at each other. "Why don't they want to tell us where babies come from?" asked a little boy.

"Because, they're _parents_! They're supposed to ruin all our fun! Besides, Nick won't tell me where they come from too! I found out from Detective Gumshoe yesterday."

The class gave a chorus of 'oooooooh's

"Okay, let me explain the process in detail for you. Now, sit down properly and pick up a pencil. You need to write this down and study this for your end of year exam."

The class chorused a one-syllable word once again. Seriously, they need to speak more. One-syllable words are not good for their health.

"Okay, this is how it starts. Two grown-ups of different genders fall in love."

The kids copied it down. "What if two adults of the same gender fall in love?" some random kid asked.

"Well, those people are called gay. You will learn that later on."

The students kept on taking notes.

"Moving on, when they fall in love, they get married and the ring on their fingers show that they are married and that is why when adults get married, they wear rings on their left hands."

The students continued writing.

"The ring is kind of like a signaling device for storks."

More writing.

"The storks then raid their house, looking for the couple's photos. Then, they steal it. You see, since they're birds, they don't go to jail for those kinds of crimes. It's unfair, really. They get to do it but we can't."

Need I say what the children are doing?

"Then, they eat fish and shape it to look kind of like their parents. That is why children look like their parents. When all that is done, they wrap them up in a big cloth and carry the babies in their mouth."

You all know what they're doing, right?

"One more thing, doctors are in it as well. They provide the hospital for the storks to land and deliver the babies. That is why people use the term 'delivering babies'. Any questions?"

A little kid raised his hand and asked, "If storks do the delivering, why were our mommies pregnant?"

"That's another wonderful question! You will get a burger on your way out later. Well, you see, being pregnant is a woman's excuse for being fat. They purposely become fat so that the storks will come to them as the fat ladies are also signals. Any other questions?"

Another kid did the same, "Then, why do they say that babies come from their mommies' belly?"

"You see, doctors are evil. So they are trying to trick people that babies being born are because of their help and intelligence. They don't give credit to the poor storks! Also, it is a perfect explanation for the 'fat lady' excuse."

The children nodded their head in agreement, remembering their horrible memories with the dentist.

"Any more questions?"

"Why do women have babies and not men?" a little boy asked.

"Because, we women are special and you men are not!" Maya concluded.

"Now you know where babies come from. If you ask Mr. Holmes, he'll give you a different version. Don't listen to him. He's lying. I can tell, because the dead tell them to me!"

"Yes, Miss Maya!" the children chorused again. Are they in a choir or something? They don't have those angelic voices like those people in churches…Or do they?

AFTER SCHOOL:  
The principal walked over to Maya's class. He asked a little girl what she had learnt that day. She replied, "Ms. Maya told us where babies came from! She's the best teacher ever! No one else would tell us before she did! Those storks are really kind creatures!"

The principal gaped at her. "I see…" he finally said.

One more day to add to the list of days she had filled children's brains with non-sense.

**A/N: Hehehe...Biology. Mr. Arthur was an English teacher, but since I have no inspiration for anything related to English yet, I made a Biology chap for two reasons: one, I want the story to last longer and two, it's easier this way . Also, the little thing about where babies come from is what AquaWatercrest came up with when we were role-playing. (She's in my 'Favourite Authors' list) It is not where real babies come from, okay?**

**PLEASE REVIEW!**


	3. Religion!

**A/N: RELIGION CLASS!! This is a request from **someone behind her computer**. Yeah, that's all I have to say for now. Oh rig****ht, I've still got something to say: ENJOY!**

Maya entered her new class for the third time. This time, she had a reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaally big bible in her hands. It looked very heavy too. In fact, it's so heavy that she was dragging it across the floor along with half the class pushing it from behind.

"Class, today we'll be learning about religion! We'll spend half an hour each on different religions! Since we only have one subject per day for some reason, you'd better pay attention! Now give me five bucks for attention!"

The children happily paid the five dollars their beloved, psychotic teacher asked them for.

"All right, since the paying is all over and done with, we'll start studying now! I spent all that two minutes of my life getting it in here and now, we'll be reading every single page of it!" Maya said.

The children opened their really big and dull bibles to page who-knows-what and started reading the said page.

"NO! What do you think you're doing?!" screamed Maya, her hands outstretched dramatically.

"We're reading the bible, like what you told us to do," answered a little girl whose name is unimportant right now.

Maya kept her hand outstretched, "Yeah, but I told you to read _this_ bible. And this one's different from yours!"

"And why's that?"

"Well, for one, it's much bigger! And it's different from your bible! This one's special! This one's more interesting!"

The children stared at her, confused.

"See, this bible is filled with different stories and in those stories, if notice, have meanings behind them," she explained.

The children nodded their heads and began reading the over-sized bible.

Contents:

The Old Testament

Nick…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….12

Larry……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………26

Edgeworth…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………44

Franziska…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….67

Hamburger…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………72

The New Testament

Ham_burgers……………………………………………………………………………………………………………….._88

Other People in the AA Series Whose Names I Am Too Lazy To Type....….…………………95-END

They somehow finished the book in twenty minutes and closed the really heavy bible and pushed it out the door with much difficulty.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

"For Buddhism, we'll be kneeling down for half an hour and chant words that I do not know the meaning of non-stop! And after that, I'll be lecturing you on Dharma, which are the teachings of Buddha."

The class cheered. What's so great about kneeling to such an extent that your legs become numb and hurt whenever you move it? Oh, wait. Nothing. Nothing at all.

They dragged cushions across the floor because that way is _so_ much easier than to just carry them. Maya dragged the biggest cushion across the floor. She waited until everyone and everything was seated, even the tree at the back of the class that had withered and died several years ago.

"Now repeat after me!" she said when everyone and everything was seated on a cushion. She, then, began saying some words in a strange language that no one could understand. Not even the dead tree at the back of the class.

The children repeated every word she said. Don't you just love children that listens to you and does whatever you say?

Maya began the Dharma. "There was once this foolish man. He had a really big mango tree that his parents left him with when they passed away. The mango tree's mangos were really sweet and juicy. He started selling them for money, and soon, he became rich. Now, these mangos became famous and the king had heard about it and he wanted to try it. He sent a messenger to visit the foolish man (because he was too lazy to do it himself and he has a fear of being assassinated). The messenger said, "The king requests fifty million mangos to be delivered to him." He handed him the money and returned to the castle. The foolish man thought of a plan to get all fifty million of the requested mangos to the king. He got an axe and cut down the tree. He brought the tree to the king and the tree did not produce mangos any more. He then died of starvation. The end."

A kid raised his hand. "What's the moral of the story?"

Maya put her hand to her cheek. "Hm…Now that you mention it, I don't know either. Ah, well!"

Thirty minutes passed and they received sore legs and knees from all the kneeling.

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"And now, the religion of the Muslim!"

The kids cheered again.

"This religion will be special since we'll have someone telling us about it and I don't have to explain at all! Please welcome, Miss…Um…I think we'll just call her 'Miss' I left my notes about this at the burger joint."

The class clapped.

A man with a very long beard came in. "Good morning class," he said.

Maya, then, remembered that the spokesperson was a man and not a woman. She gave the class a 'don't-call-him-'miss'-or-else-you-treat-me-to-lunch' look. The class didn't notice her look at all. And that meant that they had to treat her to lunch later on.

"Good morning, Miss!" the class chorused.

The man in front started to tear up. "Why are you calling me 'Miss' when I'm actually a 'Mister'? Now I have to deal with teaching gender-confused children as well as my break-up with *loud truck noise*!"

Maya looked up, "Larry? Is that you? I didn't know that you were Muslim!"

"Maya! Nice to see you again! No, I am not. I'm just taking this as a job. I'm losing jobs one by one! Don't tell anyone! What are you doing here; I thought you were supposed to be in the office with Nick!"

"Hee…Hee…Hee, yeah. I'm taking this job as a part-time job so that I can have more money for burgers!"

"Okay, enough talk. I'll start teaching them now," Maya nodded as he said this, "Okay, class, if you think you're a boy, then you're a girl and vice versa, understand?"

The children nodded and this was how they really became gender-confused.

Larry began teaching the art of Muslim to the kids in front of him.

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Maya got up from her chair that she was sitting on during Larry's lecture. "Right, she said. Now it's time for the next religion! Guess! I'll give you a hint! The first syllable of the word is: CAT!"

The children thought, and thought, and thought. About five minutes later, they shouted one word: CAT!

"Er…No, 'Cat' is not a religion. It's an animal that has whiskers and is so loved that people have written a book about it they call 'Warriors'. Catholic is the answer. Here's an interesting fact: if you notice carefully, you can separate the word into two and those are: CAT and HOLIC. And that means people who go crazy over cats! But not all of them! Strange, huh?"

The children nodded. "What's the difference between Christian and Catholic?" a little girl/boy said. (Yes, she doesn't know which gender she is anymore thanks to Larry, "I mean, they both go to church and all."

"Well, for one, they are spelled differently! And you can't separate 'Christian' into two actual words like 'Catholic'! That answer your question?" The little girl nodded.

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AFTER SCHOOL…

"So, what did you learn today, little one?" the bald principal asked. Something happened with his shaver and he shaved his hair off accidentally and he did not bother to buy a wig because he thinks they are cursed.

The gender-confused kid answered, "Today I learnt that the bible is very interesting and that we shouldn't mistake a boy for a girl and vice versa. Also, Ms. Maya taught us the difference between Christian and Catholic!"

"Good boy."

**A/N: Here's my attempt at Religion class. It doesn't really have many details about different religions because my previous school didn't have lessons on Religion. Well, they do, but only once a month. So…Yeah. Also, from now onwards, I'll be accepting suggestions on subjects or ideas. I don't mind made up subjects. I just want this to be a long fic.**


	4. Video Games!

**A/N: Yay! I received plenty of reviews and subject suggestions! I'm really glad! This one's from **MonPhoenix**!**

"Kids! Come here and get your PSPs!" Maya shouted in front of the class.

"Yay! But, where did you find all the money to buy all this?" a little…Student asked. Hey, no one there can tell if they are girls or boys anymore, so why must I, right?

Maya turned to face the...Um…Student. "Can you guess?"

The children started taking turns to guess where she got all the money to buy all the PSPs.

"The school provided it!" child number one said. Maya shook her head.

"You bought it?" child number two asked. Maya shook her head again.

"Where do you think I'll get the money to buy all this and if I was _that_ rich, I wouldn't be here teaching you," Maya replied.

"Um…You pretended to be one of those beggars on the street and begged for money and you nearly got caught by the police because of it?" child number three said. Maya paused for a moment.

"You know, that's not a bad idea, I'll try that next time, but no," said Maya.

"Ooh! I know! You and Mr. Larry (1) robbed a bank! There's where you got the money from!" said child number four.

"Another good idea, but no. You know, kids, you should start a business on giving adults ways to get money! Most of your ideas are brilliant!" Maya exclaimed.

The kids cheered and continued on their guesses.

A child gasped and said, "Don't tell me you borrowed money from evil loan sharks take your life if you can't pay them back the money you borrow plus interest!"

The room became tense. All the students were worried that their teacher could be in some sort of trouble and then Maya said, "I can't borrow money from them. In fact, I can't go within one hundred feet from them. No matter which group of loan sharks. They issued a restraining order against me when I was trying to get them to buy me and Nick hamburgers...Pity."

The children relaxed and was stopped from guessing any further by Maya's threat of bringing them to the dentist.

"You know, I think that's enough guessing for now, unless you want to see the dentist. I shouldn't have asked you to guess, but even though it wasted a whole lot of my time, I'm glad I did. I've just found ways to earn more money!" Maya said.

"So, are you going to tell us now?" the children chorused yet again.

"Sure! First I asked Detective Gumshoe, but he had a lame excuse for not being able to pay his own bills, wages and loans. What a terrible friend! Then I bugged him to a point where he finally told me to ask Prosecutor Edgeworth because he's so rich he has a shiny red sports car. And then I paid Edgeworth a trip! He wouldn't give me the money so I had to get Franziska to come and whip him until he does. She did so and that was how I got all the money! And Franziska received a quarter of his fortune too! It was a win-win situation for us and Nick because he wouldn't need to pay for this but not for Edgeworth! This was payback for not paying for my burgers!"

The children nodded their heads and made a mental note to themselves to ask a Miss Franziska to help them persuade people to do stuff.

"So now that that's all clear, pick up your PSPs like this, insert the game in here, press these buttons like so and spin the joystick thingy until it falls off."

The children did as they were told and managed to get really high scores on their games.

"Congratulations! You all get As except for Bob because no one likes you. Now we'll be learning about the different types of games. There are RPGs which are Role-Playing Games and in those games, you play as a character in a storyline. Here is an example of an RPG!" she said, handing them a DS each and a little box.

"These are DSes! Where did you get the money to buy all these gaming consoles and *gasp* is that you on this box?" a student asked.

"The money was provided by Edgeworth and yes, I'm on the box. This game was made after Nick's first year as a defense attorney! And I'm in it! But the sad thing is that you play as Nick. Ah well, never mind. So, your homework is to complete the first case."

The children wrote it down in their to-do lists.

"Next, I'll be teaching you about shooters. Shooters are games which require you to shoot stuff. I know what you're thinking, 'why do we have shooting games when we already have guns?' well, you see, in shooting games, you kill virtual people, whereas in real life, you kill real people! And besides, all of you are underage so you can't own a gun. Actually, you can, but you will be sent to prison soon afterwards. So, shooters are games where you shoot virtual people without going to virtual jails."

The children, besides Bob, cheered again and noted all the things Maya explained down and ran out the door as it was already time to go home.

AFTER SCHOOL…

"So, what have you learnt in Video Games class?" the bald principal asked.

"I learnt that Ms. Maya hates me and we also learnt about RPGs and Shooters and that if you spin the joystick thingy of a PSP so hard, it'll fall off and you'll get a high score! I'm going to try it in an arcade soon!" Bob said.

He did so and was sent to jail for vandalizing arcade property, but the good news was that he got the highest score!

Everyone celebrated his leaving of the class and soon forgotten about him.

**A/N: Hehehe…I know that it's kind of strange, but I enjoy writing these kinds of plotless fics. That's why I'm taking a short break from my other fic Confusion and Turnabout, but that doesn't have a plot as well, so never mind.**

**(1) Yeah…Larry thought that being a teacher seemed fun so he got a job as a teacher over there.**


	5. PE, the Dentist and Dracula!

**A/N: ****Hehehe...I'm kind of surprised people actually like these plotless chaps. Ah well, I'd better continue this 'kocak' story. Enjoy!**

Maya blew a whistle very hard until it exploded and most of the children there were nearly deaf...Okay, some of them did become deaf after that, but still. The deaf children were sent to the dentist. Yes, the same dentist that checks your teeth regularly. The very same evil dentist that owns a laser that can cut your ears off. Yep, that's the one!

The remaining students prayed for their friends who needed to pay a visit to the evil Count Dentist. And also Dracula the vampire later for fake teeth, but the cast of Twilight should probably do a pretty good job as well. You'll never know when the dentist will get his very sharp tools and get Franziska's help to hold you down and whip you mercilessly while he pulls a random teeth out of your mouth.

"Now that I've got your attention, run laps! Now!" Maya shouted. They were in class at that time and the students became confused about where they were supposed to run laps around.

"Um...Ms. Maya, how are we supposed to run in this small classroom?" a student asked.

"Oh, right, I've just remembered we're in this poor excuse of a class. Okay then, even though this is P.E, I'm too lazy to walk down the stairs, besides, we don't have a gym or a basketball court in the school complex. Ooh! I know! We'll just go to the park! But I'm still too lazy to walk down. Someone, please pass me the really old tree in front of the rabbit hole."

A few of the children lifted the tree while being cautious of the 'children-eating rabbit' in the hole. You can already guess who told them that, right? (Hamsters at the back of the class: right!)

Maya lifted the tree from their hands. "Now it's time to put an end to this tree. This old tree (well, to Maya, it is old) has lived a wonderful eight days in the class and we will cherish every moment we shared with it...Okay, _now_ we throw it out the window. We all hate watering this tree, how 'bout we get a rock as a class pet next time? It saves our time and energy since we wouldn't need to water it, and besides, it'll also keep us safe from the child-eating rabbit!"

She and the children threw the tree out the window and it exploded as soon as it reached the ground. "Okay, who put the bomb in there _this_ time?"

A student raised it's (I don't know it's gender anymore so why should I call it a he or she?) hand. "I did it."

"Okay, you get an extra lap for doing that. Now, we should jump out the window before the principal comes in. You know, I think we should blame this all on Mr. Holmes. He didn't mind it the last time, besides, he was sent to the mental institute then. I think nothing is worse than being sent to the mental institute, I mean, all the people there are crazy and the only sane person there would probably be Mr. Holmes! Ah well, we don't really care now, do we?"

The children shook their heads and jumped out the window while avoiding the remains of the tree. Then, they pretended to be jailbirds and ran after their teacher.

"Now that we're in the park, I want you to run fifty laps! Meh, since you're my favourite and also my only class, I'll drop it down to...forty-nine! Except for you," she pointed to the kid that put the bomb in the tree somewhere, "you still get fifty!"

The children ran their laps and gathered below a tree where their teacher was. "We're done, miss!"

Maya turned to look at the children who were drenched in sweat. "P.U! You guys stink! Who told you to run in the first place?!"

The children stared at her in disbelief. "You did, about a half hour ago! Don't you remember?!" they chorused yet again.

Maya stared at something behind the children before replying, "Oh yeah, I forgot, anyways, now you do push ups, sit ups, jumping jacks and those other exercises that don't make sense. I'm grading you on your expressions on how you do them! The funnier the expression, the higher your score will be!"

The children did their excercises until dusk and was sent to the dentist in really big stretchers. Fake teeth were prepared by Dracula and the Cullen family just in case.

AFTER SCHOOL...

"So, my boy, what have you learnt today?" the really bald principal asked.

The 'boy' hesitated for a bit before answering, "Um...We learnt that running around for a very long time will make us very tired and that Dracula makes better fake teeth than the Cullens.

**A/N: I'm done with this chap! *Gasp* finally! And now I want to make two more weird stories so that I can be a beta! Whatever that is...Ah well, I'll find out in two more stories...or fifty-something thousand words...**

**PLEASE REVIEW!!**


	6. Math and RABBITS!

**A/N: Finally! I've finally updated! So…Much…Homework! *dies* Before I die again, please enjoy this chapter!**

* * *

"Children, this is the hardest subject ever known. Also, it is the most frequently used ones. But, if it is so hard, then why is it used often? And what is it? Anyone who can answer those questions gets a piece of candy!"

All children put their thinking caps (which was basically a normal bowler hat with the words "O Thinking Cap the almighty. Give me your wisdom so that I can answer Ms. Maya's question and get that candy" written in correction ink. You know, I've got to say that correction ink makes really good glue.

"If you guess the wrong answer, I'll feed you to the child-eating rabbit over there."

The children stepped a few steps back in fear. Was their teacher some sort of sadist?

"Um…Physics?" a rock asked. Yes, a rock. A stationary black object with a crayon mouth.

"NO! Feed it to the child-eating rabbit! Hang on a minute, you're a rock! The rabbits won't eat you…But they will find some other use for you, so feed it to the rabbits anyway!" Maya ordered a few children.

The children did as they were told and carried the said rock into the rabbits' burrow. The rabbits tried to eat the rock but then stopped mid-way. They twitched their noses in communication and they _went _on the rock. They _went _on it.

"Eeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!" the children grimaced.

"See? That's what happens when you're a rock who answered my question wrongly."

The children nodded, hoping that they wouldn't be fed to the rabbits or peed on for that matter.

"To save time, let's just call the _pohon cacat _(1) and ask him to answer the question and help me teach you guys."

They called the _pohon cacat._

Larry came running into the class. "Did you call me?"

"Larry! Perfect timing!! Okay, answer this question: What is the hardest subject ever made and you have to help me teach it!" Maya said.

"That's easy!" Larry replied, "The hardest subject ever is getting girls to fall for you! And sure, I'll help you teach it!"

"No wonder people call you _cacat_. Okay, since he couldn't answer it, he'll get fed to the man-eating rabbits. Now, the hardest subject is Math. And since, the _pohon cacat_ will get eaten, I'll just have to teach you myself…Unless…"

The children in front of her wondered what crazy thing she would do next.

" !!!!! Alien stones are invading our planet and some of them are in my classroom!" she screamed.

A scurry of feet approached the classroom. "For those of you who are not Mr. Holmes or anyone whose name rhymes with the word '', please step away from the door before I unleash man-eating rabbits at you." Every person that had gathered outside Maya's classroom left besides Mr. Holmes. I pity him; I really do.

After Maya had dragged Mr. Holmes into her classroom, she duct-taped him to a chair. "You. Must. Help. Me. Teach these kids the dreaded subject Math. If you don't I'll either get the man-eating rabbits to eat you or the children-eating rabbits to _go_ on you or feed you to person-whose-last-name-is-Holmes-eater."

"Person-whose-last-name-is-Holmes-eater?" Mr. Holmes asked.

"How else did you think Sherlock Holmes and dodo birds disappeared off the face of the planet?"

"Dodo birds?"

"Yes, you know, the birds that have been extinct! You know, an animal with two wings and a beak. Jeez, for a Science teacher, you don't really know a lot of animals do you? I mean, you don't even know what a bird is!"

Mr. Holmes gave her a you're-an-idiot expression before answering. "I know what a bird is but what relation does it have with having 'Holmes' as a last name?"

"Elementary, dear…Okay, not dear Mr. Holmes. Have you ever considered that animals could have last names too? Have you ever considered that maybe the dodo birds have a common last name and the ones who didn't died because of…Sadness or Africa or whatnot?"

"I see," Mr. Holmes said, thinking that she needs therapy. Every person who has met her thinks so.

"Anyways, help me teach them Math or else."

Mr. Holmes nodded in reply. He valued his life, unlike the rock.

"So, children, you must know some basic Math, right?" The children nodded. "Now I'll be adding torture to your brain! I'm going to teach you about advanced algebra and every Math formula that had ever existed and some other hard Math things!!"

Maya began writing words and numbers in the board like a madman. Scratch that, mad _spirit medium._ "I need more space," Maya said when she covered up all ten whiteboards, "Oh and copy all these down in your notebooks. You might need them later when you're in college so make you write it in very neat handwriting, if not, you'll regret it and commit suicide."

The children did as they were told once again. Mr. Holmes was freed from his seat to write down as much notes as Maya had written…To the power of twelve.

When they had finished writing down all the notes on the board, Maya gave everyone expensive chocolate, paid for by Phoenix…And Mr. Holmes. I wonder how Phoenix isn't bankrupt yet.

The children collapsed on the floor after all that writing.

"Don't sleep or die just yet! I still have to teach you how to count to ten!!"

The half-dead children moaned before falling into deep sleep and carried to the sickbay by the children-eating rabbits after they were seasoned by them…

* * *

The principal went around to Maya's class to find that they were all sent to the sick bay because of exhaustion. He went to the sick bay as well and then he got roasted and eaten by man-eating rabbits after he was _went _on by the children-eating rabbits. There is a difference between man-eating rabbits and children-eating rabbits!

**A/N: Yay! I finished the chap! Ehehe…Rabbits. I love those animals! **

_**Pohon cacat**_** literally means retarded tree, if I'm not mistaken. **_**Pohon **_**is tree and **_**cacat**_** is like…handicapped or retarded. So, Larry is a retarded tree! I'd like to credit my friend Valerie for the name. She gave that name to a classmate of ours who no one likes and often gets into fights with Valerie. Valerie's really funny. In my profile, there's an example of what Valerie did at school the other day. **

**PLEASE REVIEW!!!**


	7. Spanish Class FMA cast

**A/N: I just realized that I haven't written anything for this story in ages! I'll write now…**

* * *

"Children! We're going to have Spanish class today! So now, sit quietly on your desks while I go look for Mr. Holmes and duct-tape him to the ceiling.

A little…Student raised his/her hand. "Miss, why are you going to duct-tape our Science teacher to the ceiling? Won't the pull of gravity and his weight pull him towards the centre of the Earth? Won't he die?"

"That is my intention. We're investigating about how long he can stay up there without falling to his doom. Besides, he has an appointment with Dracula later in the afternoon and so this experiment benefits both of us. I get to find out more about gravity while he gets to commit suicide!" explained Maya.

The children nodded in agreement.

"Oh yes, before I go, I'd like to introduce you to our new friends! They'll be studying with us for a while."

"Hello, my name is Ling! (1)" said Ling, waving his hands. Maya showed him to his seat and he hopped all the way there. Apparently, he has trouble walking.

"I'm Roy," Roy said, flashing a grin, "But, if you bother me in any way, I will literally fry you." All children shifted away from him.

"I am Gluttony!" Gluttony smiled. The children shifted further away from him. They heard that this…_Thing_ can eat anything. Anything at all.

They all went to their respective seats.

"I'll be right back! While I'm away, please read the first chapter of your textbooks!"

Maya left the class to read their one thousand page textbook. (2)

"WHAT?!?! We have to study two hundred pages of this book?!" complained Roy, "Meh, paperwork is worse."

Ling eyed his book suspiciously before opening it. At least he opened his eyes…

Gluttony ate his book and his desk. Roy burnt him.

* * *

_About 2 hours, 18 minutes and 3.2 seconds later…_

"I'm back! And I bought souvenirs for you all!" Maya shouted, holding up bulls that were twice her size.

"Er…Miss, you went all the way to Spain to duct-tape Mr. Holmes to the ceiling?" a random pupil asked.

"No, 'course not! I went all the way there to get you souvenirs!"

The children smiled. "We really appreciate that, but why bulls? They could kill us!"

"Yummy!" Gluttony exclaimed.

"Well, I was thinking of keeping them as class pets," at this point, she was eyeing Gluttony cautiously to make sure that he wasn't going to eat any of her bulls, "Well, enough of that. Let's see how much you've learnt from reading the first chapter."

The children and Fullmetal Alchemist cast closed their books, got off their chair and pushed their tables (except for Gluttony as he ate his…) to the back of the class, killing their previous class pets which were mosquitoes whose wings and legs had been cut off by the children for a biology class. (3)

"Now, form eight lines and if you can answer my question, you can ride on Bully, okay?" Maya said, gesturing to one of the bulls behind her that was, for some reason, not charging at her or giving her death glares. Pearly would think that this'll be like one of those soap operas where Phoenix has to win Maya's heart and prevent Maya from eloping with the bulls…I feel sick.

Maya was next seen dragging a magician into the class. "He'll help me decide who'll answer my questions," she explained.

"First question: What does 'Donde es mi cabeza?' mean?" The magician pointed at a student with pigtails. Well, the student might be a boy with long hair…

"Okay then, Sophie, what do you think?" Well, it could have been a boy with a girl's name…

"Um…How are you?" she answered.

"Oh, I'm fine, thank you, but that's not what it means."

The magician pointed at…Roy.

"It means that-" he was cut-off by Maya.

"I didn't ask you to answer yet!"

"But he pointed at me."

"But I still hadn't asked you to answer!! As punishment, we'll feed you to the man-eating rabbits!"

"Um, Miss?" a student said, "Today is Thursday and the rabbits have their day off today."

"Oh yeah…Ah well, just feed him to Bully and Bull-o."

Roy burnt the bulls.

Maya cried.

Pearl came, somehow, and slapped Roy for making her cousin cry. And then she shipped him off to Central.

Maya gestured a random student to answer. "It means 'Where is my head?'"

Maya clapped. "Since that mean man killed Bully and Bull-o, you can ride Bull-ee! (4)"

The random student rode Bull-ee for a total of 0. seconds before falling off the bull and breaking his tail bone. But the problem is that the student has no tail…Or does 'it'? By 'it', I'm referring to the student.

He/she limped to the Nurse's office.

"Okay, second question! How do you say 'to kill' in Spanish?"

The magician raised his hand. We know the magician's gender because he said so and he's not gender-confused like the rest of them…I think. Is he gender-confused?

"Yes, Barney?"

"It is 'matar'."

"Yep! Now sit on Bull-ee and don't kill it, or else!"

The magician fell off and broke almost all the bones in his body, but he did last 0.0000000000000000002 seconds before falling off…

"Since we just lost the magician, I'll just ini-miney-minie-mo! (Is that how you spell it?)"

"What does 'No soy gay' mean?"

She ini-miney-minie-moed and her finger landed on Gluttony.

"It means 'I am not gay'."

"Yep! You sit on Bull-ee next!"

Bull-ee collapsed under Gluttony's weight and died.

"Estas muerto," Maya said before killing him with a bazooka she got from the principal.

But, Gluttony didn't and couldn't die, so she donated him to Edgeworth.

Edgeworth got eaten.

The students passed Spanish with flying colours.

* * *

"What did you learn today, little one?" Like the rest of them, the principal was gender-confused as well. What's wrong with this school? We all know our own gender, right?

"We learnt a few Spanish words and phrases. And three of our class pets died because of the new students!" A…Student complained.

"And then what happened?"

"Ms. Maya shipped one off somewhere and donated another one to someone."

The principal nodded his head, pretending that he was listening. He made a mental note to himself that he was still young and should visit the nursing home soon to see his great great great great great grandfather, Bob. But then, Bob could be his grandmother…

* * *

**A/N: I'm done with this chapter!!! Yay! Well, this chap is actually a crossover, but I'll dispose of the other characters soon. Two down, one to go!**

**These are characters from the anime Fullmetal Alchemist…**

**Yes, a one thousand page textbook. Such thing does exist! The Year 9 students in my school have a 1000+ page Biology book. Then again, their class was majoring in Science…**

**Let's just say that they didn't have frogs at that time to dissect…They had to improvise…**

**Get it? Wall-E…Bull-ee?**

**PLEASE REVIEW!!!**


	8. World History Class

**Warning: There's a small spoiler for Fullmetal Alchemist, but it's very small…**

* * *

Maya was dragging a large statue of Napoleon into the classroom.

The children noticed her and ran to help.

For that, Maya gave them a speck of dust. Each.

She told them to be seated while she dragged the statue to the centre of the class. She ran out the classroom.

While she was gone, Ling was examining the statue. For some reason, it looked so familiar to him.

"Aha! I got it!!! I GOT IT!!!! MWAHAHAHAHA!!!!" he screamed. Greed had taken over his body now and lifted the statue.

Greed is a homunculus inside Ling's body put there by an evil man whose name I had forgotten. So you can say that he has split personality…Sorta.

He ran out the class and school with the very heavy statue for reasons no one knows and laughing evilly.

When Maya came back, she was wearing Napoleon's hat…Only…It was purple, not blue.

She had a sword in her hand too...Poor children.

"Class, after much eeny-meeny-miney-moing, I've chosen to teach you the histories of China, America and Europe!!" Maya shouted, standing on a table."So, we'll begin with China now. If you don't get back to your seats in two point eight seconds, I'll kill you with my sword."

One of the children raised his/her hand. "If we are studying about China now, why are you wearing that hat and why do you have that sword? Are you trying to kill us?!?!"

Maya shook her head. "No! I have this sword to threaten you with and we'll be learning about Napoleon later. Since the school is trying to save money, we'll have to study without textbooks from now on and since there are so many dynasties, I'll only teach you one because I'm too lazy to teach you and if I do, you'll run out of space on your notebook and then you'll have to write on your table, which is vandalism and then you'll get arrested."

They took out their notebooks.

"A dynasty is a period of time in which a family lineage rules, according to Larry's sloppy handwriting, that is. Wait a minute, where's Ling?" Maya said, looking around the class. She didn't see a closed-eye freak anywhere in the class nor did she see a huge statue of Napoleon.

The children explained what had happened to the Napoleon statue.

"So that's where the statue went!" she exclaimed. "Oh well, it doesn't belong to me anyway, so I don't really care."

"Then who does it belong to?" a student asked.

"The museum down the street." (1)

* * *

_Meanwhile…_

"Sir, you are under arrest for stealing an ancient artifact," a policeman said, trying to cuff Greed/Ling.

Ling/Greed began speaking in Xingeese.

No one understood him and thought that he was crazy and sent him to a mental institute.

* * *

"In 1352, a local peasant named Zhu Yuan Zhang joined the army and after that he proved to be a good soldier. In 1356, he led the army into the city of Jiqing and changed its name to Yingtian."

The children had been scribbling notes non-stop in their books and threatened by her sword every once in a while.

"You know, I feel bored teaching you this. I know, let's build a model of the Great Wall in the school! They say that the Great Wall was built on the dead bodies of the workers, so if any of you die, we'll build the wall on top of you!" Maya said.

They ran out the class to find bricks and cement.

They came back soon after with all the things necessary to build the Great Wall.

"Well, since we're building a model of the Great Wall, you might want to know a few things about it. So: it is located in China. It is 8,851.8 km long and in China, they call it Chang Cheng or Wan Li Chang Cheng. If you translate it directly, Chang Cheng means 'long city' and Wan Li Chang Cheng means ten thousand-mile long city. I know that it doesn't make sense, but still," Maya explained.

The children started work on the Great Wall model and no one died.

So then Maya went to a cemetery and took a random body out of its coffin and disrupted the peace of the dead spirits, but since she was a spirit medium, she did a few things and everything became okay and the spirits ended up bothering Edgeworth to buy them ghost hamburgers…

* * *

After they had finished the model of the Great Wall, Maya treated them to burgers and then they went back to school.

* * *

"Let's move on to the history of America. Since just explaining to you is boring for all of us, let's do something interesting, but while I think of something, I'll just tell you a few things about America first. It was once part of Africa but it split and America drifted westwards," Maya explained, doodling a picture of Phoenix on the whiteboard and then drawing a mustache and flowers and stars and unicorns on him. (2)

The children were taking notes and giggled when they saw the doodle of Phoenix.

"I got it!! Let's try to draw Christopher Columbus and America!! After that, we can go discover a country!!!" Maya said.

They cheered and drew on their tables. It was vandalism but Maya would blame it on the principal later.

They spent the next three hours looking for an undiscovered island in the sand box. No luck.

* * *

"We'll study about Europe now, but since you're tired of writing notes and I'm tired of talking about the histories of countries, let's all dress up as Napoleon and dominate the world, okay?" Maya asked after she had explained a few things about Europe.

* * *

_Good evening, this is Winnie the Pooh on the Evening News._

_It has just been reported that a group of school kids and a teacher had attempted to take over the Earth before getting distracted by free burgers._

_Thank you for listening; this is Winnie the Pooh on the Evening News. (3)_

* * *

The principal turned off the TV and ran to Maya's class. He could've sworn he saw Maya and her students on TV.

He ran into the classroom and saw Maya telling the children a story and ran out the class but was stopped by Maya.

"Look kids!! It's the principal!! Let's ask him to tell us a story!!" Maya said as they dragged him to a chair and forced a story out of him.

He didn't need to ask any one of them what they had learnt. He was there; telling them a story about cars, cigarettes and cookies.

* * *

Maya sighed. The children asked for a story after they had free burgers. She couldn't think of a story. It was a good thing the principal came to the class when he did. Maya always had trouble shooing the kids out of the class.

* * *

**A/N: I've finally been able to update!! Sorry if it seemed a little rushed, but I was too lazy to research a lot of things…Hehe…**

**I don't really know if the statue really exists or not…I just made it up to send Ling to jail, but if it really does exist, then the museum doesn't exist at all…Erm…I'm confused.**

**I drew a picture of InuYasha and then Vix (AquaWatercrest) and I doodled on it. It looked really funny! So many flowers~ haha XD but…SanSan erased the flowers and hearts, etc. Why did I have to draw the girly things in pencil? SanSan!!!**

**Erm…I don't really watch the news, so this is kind of what I think it's like…And yes, Winnie the Pooh from Winnie the Pooh. I love that bear XD so cute!!!**

**HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!**

**PLEASE REVIEW!!!**


	9. Computers Can Explode

"Class, guess what!!" Maya shouted as she waved her (*cough*Edgeworth's*cough*) car keys and ran inside the classroom full of quiet kids reviewing what they had learnt the other day about making diapers out of newspaper porridge. (1)

One of them guessed, "Mr. Larry came back from the dead and gave you a car!!"

Maya looked at the car keys in her hand before tossing it to her desk and replying, "No, well kinda, but he didn't really die and it's Edgeworth's car. Larry just had a heart attack a few minutes before that incident because he was by himself by a river and suddenly a beautiful fairy came out of the river and he promised to not marry anyone else and then after twenty long years, what came out of the river was…" The children strained their ears to hear the happy ending, "…Nick after he had fallen off the bridge and into eagle river. (2) Larry proposed to Nick and that was when Nick fainted back into river and into the hospital. Since that probably grossed you out, let's all take this time to vomit on someone. I know, let's go visit people in jail and vomit on them!"

They all took a very short fieldtrip to prison to puke on the people Maya and Phoenix had put to jail.

When they came back, Maya finally told them the good news. "Since many of the school's teachers died, the life insurance companies paid the school half a million dollars each dead teacher because less and less teachers are teachers because their students drive them insane and most of them get admitted to mental institutes and I'm not in a mental institute because you guys are nice, unlike other students who bully their teachers. That's why I borrowed Nick's wallet to treat us all to lunch today!! Anyways, since the school is finally rich, it can finally afford computers and a computer lab and best of all, food!!"

The whole class cheered.

After the cheering died down and several people in Africa died, Maya led them to their new computer lab.

"Wow, it's so _big_!" Maya said, sarcastically.

The children gasped at how _big_ the room was. Even so, they took their seats and turned the computers on.

"Right, first, we'll learn about Microsoft Word. Do you want to hear the good news or the bad news?" Maya asked.

A student raised it's (3) hand and answered good news.

"The good news is that I forced Detective Gumshoe and Nick to go to the future to get the newest Microsoft editions."

"Did they fail?" a student asked.

"No, they got Microsoft ."

"What's the bad news?"

"The program isn't compatible with the school computers so we have to use the 2007 edition and the other bad news is that I was so angry I smashed a computer and I now have to pay for it. And because Nick is now broke, I had to steal from Edgeworth then he caught me. I poked his eye and made my escape."

"What's so bad about that?"

"Somehow, that made him blind and I have to pay for whatever eye treatments he needs."

They pitied her but they knew that she would find a way to get the money…Somehow…

"Anyways, open Microsoft Word and start typing random things you guys know that does not involve anything gross. Or where your friends or family think babies come from. You all know where they come from. I told you already, didn't I?"

They replied her with a loud yes and to make sure she was louder than her students. Maya left the class to get a bullhorn.

"IT'S BEEN FIVE MINUTES; LET ME CHECK WHAT YOU'VE WRITTEN. BECAUSE OF THE BUILT-IN THINGY THAT HELPS CHECK YOUR SPELLING AND GRAMMAR, I'M PRETTY SURE YOU HAVE NO SPELLING OR GRAMMAR MISTAKES….I HOPE!!" she shouted. Why does the school have a bullhorn?

As she checked the student's writings (which was full of ponies and unicorns and nature and cookies and other girly stuff…The only boyish thing there was the word ball typed over and over again…), she gave them each a golden apple. Golden stars are much too common.

"RIGHT, NOW WE'LL LEARN ABOUT THE BUILT-IN CALCULATORS. FIRST FIND THE START BUTTON AND THEN LOOK FOR ACCESSORIES AND THEN CLICK CALCULATOR. NOW, CLICK RANDOM NUMBERS ON THE SCREEN WITH YOUR MOUSE. A MOUSE IS THE THING BESIDE YOUR COMPUTER THAT DOES NOT LOOK ANYTHING LIKE A MOUSE DESPITE ITS NAME AND HAS THIS THINGY IN THE MIDDLE THAT YOU CAN SCROLL SCREENS WITH. IT'S ALSO GOOD FOR PICTURING WHAT PEOPLE USED TO DO WHEN THEY HAD COMPUTERS AND NO ELECTRICITY. YES, THEY SPIN THIS THING UNTIL IT FALLS OUT AND THEN THEY BUY A NEW ONE TO REPEAT THE SAME THING."

They did as she said.

All the computers exploded. But all the children (including Maya) were okay…For some reason.

You want to know why?

Before entering the room, Maya forgot to tell them that they weren't supposed to bring food or drinks in the class. As Maya was talking, they drank water and then they felt the computer glaring at them and their water. They each shared their water with the computer. And you know what happened next…

* * *

After school…

"What did you learn today, young chap?" the principal asked.

"I learned neat things about computers!! I also learned that when they explode, they make exploding noises!!"

This left the principal speechless. Maya exploded the computer lab. Again.

* * *

**A/N: Mwahahaha!!! I finally finished!! Finally!! It kinda took me a while to write this. Ah well, as long as it's posted, it's fine. Anyways, I'll be busy on Saturday evenings from now on and that means less time on the computer beta-ing or writing fics…T.T**

**I credit my accounting teacher for that.**

**I credit my Geography teacher for that…But, I didn't like who he paired up -.-**

**We've discussed this. No one knows their gender.**

**PLEASE REVIEW!!!**


	10. BARNEY IS NOT GOOD FOR YOU!

Maya walked into her class with a frown on her face. Before entering the class, she had seen a little boy playing with a Barney doll. While entering the class, she saw her students with Barney bags and other Barney merchandise.

Her mouth hang open in shock of not knowing of the Barney craze. She thought that they might think that she is old for not knowing anything about Barney. The only show she knows is the steel samurai and that show was cancelled due to some event on her and Nick's third case. But she doesn't really care about Barney. Nor the fact that they might call her old. She likes the Steel Samurai and that was that.

Then, she remembered watching one of Barney's shows and it's content.

"Class, I have a very important question to ask you. Please answer truthfully. How many of you watch and LIKE Barney?" Maya asked.

Every hand in the room, besides Maya's, shot up. Her mouth formed a perfect 'o' in shock.

"Class, from now on you are never allowed to watch Barney. No matter what the reason," she said.

One student said, "But my mom said that Barney is good for us! We can learn a lot of good things from watching Barney! So why can't we watch our favourite TV programme? All the other shows are about yucky things like romance and a lot have killing involved in them that our parents won't let us watch but we experience every day!"

Maya took a deep breath before explaining the horrible things about Barney to them. "Let's put it this way: if you eat a lot of sweets, your parents will scold you, you'll become fat and you'll get diabetes. It's the same with Barney. If you learn too many good things, you'll be too good and when you die and fly to heaven, you'll fly too high up because you are too good and then you won't end up in heaven anymore. You'll be lost in space. So promise me, children, no one is allowed to watch Barney from now on." (1)

All the kids cowered in fear at the thought of not going to heaven and being lost in space instead and promised to never watch Barney anymore.

With that settled, Maya carried on with her lesson planned for today.

"Kids, do you remember what I told you when I called at 2 am this morning?" They nodded. "Okay then, let's go on our little field trip!"

Because the school was too stingy to spend a few bucks to rent a bus, they walked to the courthouse that was just down the road.

"Kids, be careful to not get lost. Sure, the government wouldn't spend a few hundred thousand dollars to expand this courthouse, and it's not all that big and hard to get lost, but I'd be a bad teacher if I told you to get lost, right? So don't get lost."

The children squished themselves in a big wagon Maya somehow got and asked Officer Meekins, who was unfortunately there, to push the wagon around the courthouse as she pretended to be a tour guide and show the kids around.

"Class, this is where Nick and I go every time we get a client to defend them. The judge's table is right in front of you and-oh look! The really old judge with the ugly gavel!" Maya wondered why the judge was there before she noticed the prosecutor, defense attorney and the crowds of people behind them staring at her.

"Class, it seems as if there is a trial going on now. Let's watch the old people work and point dirty fingers at each other. Unlike us, these old people are unhygienic," Maya said.

"Maya. I am not old. I'm the same age as Wright! And besides, the defense attorney in front of me is more or less the same age as you!" Edgeworth said from the prosecutor's table.

"Meh, I think all males are old. Including Nick."

Edgeworth slapped his forehead and continied talking to Maya as the defense attorney was busy thinking for a comeback for Edgeworth's accusations.

"Most of your students are male! You thnk they are old too?!" Edgeworth exclaimed.

Maya could feel her blood boiling. "Edgeworth! How dare you insult my gender-confused students!"

Edgeworth slapped his head yet again. By the time he was done with his head-slapping, the judge had pounded his gavel and proclaimed the defendant guilty.

Maya and co. left the room and walked out of the courtroom. A student asked what the little shack beside the courtroom was and what it was for.

"Well, that's an abattoir where Officer Meekins here slaughters ants and pesky flies. That's why you will never see a single bug in the courthouse unless it is some sort of evidence," Maya explained.

After they were content with knowing what the shack was for, they went off in their wagon towards another part of the courthouse. But then Maya got bored with the courthouse and went to the Edgeworth's office to bother him.

She got on the wagon and forced Officer Meekins to push the wagon to the prosecutor's office.

At the prosecutor's office, she asked Officer Meekins to charge into Edgeworth's office. He charged. They ruined very expensive flowers from Oldbag to Edgeworth. Edgeworth smiled knowing that he could blame them for the flowers being ruined and he could throw the rest of the presents from her out the window and blame them. He smiled. After 3 seconds of creepy smiling, he frowned the frown that we all know and love.

"What are you doing in my office?" Edgeworth said.

"Well, I grew bored showing my class around the courthouse so now I've decided to Show them your office. Because you're a prosecutor and all and so important to the law, and yadda yadda yadda...Anyways, kids, that's Edgeworth the mean prosecutor who sends people to jail. Beside him are presents from his not-so-secret very very old admirer. Her age is a mystery... I kind of wonder why they haven't made her age an unsolved mystery yet. I mean she even lost track of her own age! What sort of person does that?! Never mind. Let's leave the thinking to the people with the authority to put people in jail. So, that's a bookshelf with books on it! And that's his dirty laundry being shown off on the wall of his office. Kids, never hang dirty clothes on the wall. If you do, mold will accumulate on it and then you'll get some sort of unknown new virus and then start another World War and then visit the doctor who is also a dentist. We are anti-dentists (2), remember?"

The children nodded; Meekins took notes; Edgeworth banged his head on his table. He was sent to hospital later that day.

The children went home soon after Edgeworth was escorted to NoHope Hospital.

The principal didn't come in that day because he was diagnosed by hobos and was told that he had SARS. No one asked the children anything.

* * *

**A/N: Mwahahaha... I've finished this whole chap in one day while waiting for my mom who was in a meeting and while waiting for the doctor! A new record! ****Hehe****...**

**(1) Don't listen to what Maya says... Watching Barney won't get you into space...**

**(2) No offense to people out there who like dentists or whose parents are dentists and who are dentists...**

**PLEASE REVIEW!!!**


	11. Creative Writing

"Class, we'll be learning how to write stories today! Weeeeeeeeelllllll, first of all, I want you to read some sample stories, the amount depending on my mood, and come up with your own! But, here's the tricky bit. You have to write something similar to it but it has to have more words than the original! For example, if the story has ten words, you have to write something similar to it but it has to have twice or thrice as many words as the original depending on my mood today. So if you buy me lunch, I'll consider giving you a smaller amount!" Maya explained.

The class thought for a moment before walking over to their new pet kangaroo and asked for its advice. The kangaroo blinked, twitched, hopped, ate, did its business and other kangaroo-y things. The children thought it had mental problems and sent it to the dentist.

"Well class? What do you think?"

All of them huddled together to discuss what they wanted to do. Ever since they had to pay for attention, they were all broke. They dug into their pockets and pulled out everything they could find in there. Here was what they got:

Student 1:

Half-eaten cookie, bubble gum, cow liver and worms.

Student 2:

Possessed lab coat, a long ruler and a list of names of currently dead people.

Student 3:

A flying monkey, a book on how to take over the world and a stapler.

Upon looking at what Student 3 had in his/her pockets, they thought that it would be enough to present her a book on how to take over the world. Even though it may not be as good as food, it's still something.

"Ms. Maya, we're going to present you with a book on how to take over the world," Student 8 said.

Maya shook her head. "I specifically asked you to buy me lunch. How is this as good as food or maybe even better?"

"If you learn to take over the world, you will be able to take over the minds of people and then force them to make you burgers forever," Student 12 explained.

Maya gave it a few seconds of thought. It does sound reasonable.

"Okay then! You'll have to write two point five times the original number of words of HARRY POTTER AND THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX because that's the thickest book I can think of, besides the dictionary but dictionaries are boring so we won't use it."

The children ran towards the library, looked for the said Harry Potter book, found the said Harry Potter book, danced, fed the librarian and ran back into class.

"Since you're the students and I'm the teacher, you'll have to count the number of words in the book yourselves. And since you're my favourite students, I'll give you the whole day to read the book and count the words, so get started. Now."

The students took fifteen minutes to skim the book and count all the words in there. Maya scolded them for skimming.

"YOU WON'T LEARN ANYTHING IF YOU SKIM!! If you skim, you'll just be reading the words! You won't be learning from it! If you skim, you won't understand the story and if you don't understand, how are you supposed to learn to write?! And if I'm not able to teach you how to write, how are your parents supposed to pay the school and if they don't pay the school, the school won't pay me and if they don't pay me, how will I be able to buy burgers (besides stealing from Nick, but he's nearly broke so there's not much choice left in him)? AND WITHOUT BURGERS, HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE?!"

The children nodded. She did kinda have a point. They began reading slowly, absorbing every detail, punctuation mark, space, magical word and every bug that landed on the paper.

By the time they were finished, Maya had fallen asleep on a very, very soft pillow which, to the children, looked like a big pile of cravats. They wondered where she got it from.

They got started on their books on worthless books they got from the library, writing two point five times more words than the Harry Potter book they had just read.

Maya woke up just as they finished drawing a doodle on their now very full notebooks.

She read each and every student's story. She angsted at all their stories and asked them to fix all their spelling and grammar mistakes while she went to call a publisher.

When the publisher and the editors came, they forced them to sit on their dead kangaroo who just came back from the dentist and their new lethal koala.

Winnie the Pooh and Barney came too.

Winnie the Pooh was invited to sit on a very very very very very special chair (it's really big and fluffy and almighty and all that…).

Barney was fed to their class pet Rocky.

When the publisher, the editors and Winnie the Pooh read the story, they cried, they wept, they danced, they pranced, they ate honey, they killed bees and they did other things too.

The children's stories soon became bestsellers, beating J.K Rowling's books and Stephanie Meyer's as well.

* * *

_This is Winnie the Pooh on the afternoon news._

"_Children from ** International School had just written bestsellers beating the famous J.K Rowling and Stephanie Meyer in just nanoseconds. Tell us more about them Tigger."_

"_Well, Pooh, they were doing a writing project in their teacher, Maya Fey's class. They analyzed the writing style of J.K Rowling and wrote their own utterly long book. People say that the cause for their success was because of their wonderful plots and all the unpredictable plot holes. Others say that it was because of Maya Fey's cousin, Pearl Fey, had threatened all of them to read and buy their books and if they didn't, she would bite them all and send zombie burgers to attack them. And if they still refused, she would jump on their heads and try to gnaw their heads off. Such a cute little girl. Back to you, Pooh."_

"_Well, I'm going to continue reading their stories now, so if you haven't read/bought them yet, make sure your head is still intact and safe from violent eight-year-olds. Thank you."_

_This is Winnie the Pooh and his hyperactive friend Tigger on the afternoon news._

* * *

The principal refused to buy a copy of his students' books and got terribly injured by Pearl and received hate notes from the suffering people in Haiti and Chile and is now in the Intensive Care Unit.

* * *

**A/N: Weeeeeeeeelll, I think my stories are getting less and less funny… But I'm trying! So, yeah. And here's the good news! I'm on term break right now, and that means more stories!! Yay!!**

**PLEASE REVIEW!!**


	12. At the Principal's Office

"Maya," the principal said, he had just been released from the hospital and he didn't feel good after the series of phone calls he received from the students' parents, "I've just received a series of phone calls from your students' parents and they weren't happy about most of what you're teaching them. Well, actually, they were because they said your teaching methods had helped all of them learn quickly, but I need something to complain to you about as revenge for having your cousin try to kill me. So, I'm going to have to replace you with someone crazier than you. Hopefully the psycho I'll hire will have the same or even better teaching method than you because all my sane teachers have either died or have quit because of your insanity. So starting today, you will be stripped of your job as a teacher."

The principal smiled. He had done it. He had fired Maya without getting killed.

But then, he got smacked in the face with the chair Maya was sitting on.

The chair liked Maya as a teacher and then came to life to beat the principal up.

Maya moved to the chair beside the said chair that came to life when she felt movement from under her.

She threw her fist in the air. She thought her dead sister had taken over the body of the chair

"Go sis!! We won't let him ruin my life!!" she shouted.

Unfortunately, the chair was then held back by security that was right behind the principal all along but just hadn't noticed a big chair trying to strangle the principal until then.

Once the chair was off the principal and Maya gave each of the security guard a sucker punch and _then_ left them alone.

The principal smiled. He had done it.

The chair liked Maya as a teacher and then came to life to beat the principal up.

Maya moved to the chair beside the said chair that came to life when she felt movement from under her.

She threw her fist in the air. She thought her sister had taken over the body of the chair.

The principal straightened his tie.

"If they lay a finger on my sister again, I will make sure they won't live to see the 2012 disaster," Maya threatened.

The principal sweatdropped but then got his serious face on.

"I feel like having some excitement in my life right now. Let's do this: I'm going to rehire you and then you and this person I'm going to hire have this thing I call the teacher-off. You and this person will have a teaching competition, whoever is best will get the job, how about that?" the principal offered.

Maya cocked her head.

"That kinda isn't fair if you're the judge considering the fact that you had fired me just now."

"I wouldn't want to be the judge unless I was protected by security guards. Knowing you, you would try to lunge at my throat while competing saying things like 'Today we'll learn about self-defense, so let's have our very own judge come up here and help me demonstrate.' and when I do, you'd kill me and the policemen wouldn't arrest you because they considered it as self-defense."

Maya looked to her right innocently, thinking, 'Oh fluff. He found out my plan. I'm going to need to find some other way to take revenge on him.'

"So, to make it fair, we'll have all the students of this school judge and also four special children I have yet to think of. Isn't that fair?" the principal asked.

Maya nodded.

Good, the principal said.

In walked Larry.

"When do I begin teaching?"

They had to explain all that happened in the office until five in the evening until Larry finally understood.

"WHAT?! So you're saying that I need to _teach_ in front of children before I can get the teaching?! WHAT SORT OF JOB INTERVIEW IS THIS?!"

"Wait, aren't you supposed to be dead?" Maya asked.

Larry shrugged. "The authoress probably couldn't think of anyone who does weird crazy things and acts immature other than me."

Everyone shrugged. He had a good explanation.

* * *

**A/N: Yeah, I kinda couldn't think of anything for the 'teacher off' **Hiding from her friends** requested for.**

**PLEASE REVIEW!!**


	13. Gleeesque show choir showdown

Edgeworth walked around the Principal's office with his hands behind his back.

"I still don't understand how I am alive and out of the fact that I was eaten by an utterly plump person a very long time ago," he said, reminiscing the time he spent inside the abyss everyone calls 'Gluttony's stomach'.

The principal lifted his head and answered, "Look, to me, you are unimportant. I don't really care about what happens to you. Or whatever did happen to you. I will pretend to care if you give me that shiny thing you have in your pocket." (1)

Edgeworth rolled his eyes.

"Besides, why did you hire Larry of all people?" Edgeworth asked.

"Well… He was the only person who seemed best. His interview was much better than everyone elses.." (2)

* * *

_Principal: Hey, aren't you Maya's friend?_

_Larry: Yes_

_Principal: Sorry, I can't accept you. _

_Larry: Why not?????? I don't have a life!!_

_Principal: You're accepted._

_Principal: Your background seems okay. Now, let's discuss about your salary._

_Random person: How about fifty dollars a week?_

_Principal: I'm sorry, I can't accept you._

_Random person: Why not?_

_Principal: That's much too expensive._

_Random person: I was just kidding. What I really wanted was ten dollars a week._

_Principal: WHO DO YOU _THINK _I AM?!?! I'M NOT A CHEAPSTAKE!_

_Principal: Wow, you've done your Master's degree? That's great!_

_Random foreigner: Yes, I completed it when I was ten._

_Principal: And you're twenty now. Great! Now, let's get to the point. Do you have a boyfriend?_

_Random foreigner: Yes. Right now he's in Botak City. (3)_

_Principal: I'm sorry but you don't get the job._

_Random foreigner: Why?_

_Principal: If your boyfriend is abroad then you would spend thousands of dollars and most of your time on the phone calling him. _

_Random foreigner: Sorry, I meant that my boyfriend is currently here in this country._

_Principal: You still don't get the job. You'll pretend to be sick and go out with him. This file states you are a member of a trade union, correct? They would probably negotiate sick pay for you. The school would be bankrupt and then you'd get all the money._

_Principal: Listen, pal, I'm sorry. We don't accept hobos as teachers here in this school._

_Random hobo: I'm not a hobo! I have a home! And besides, just because I'm not paid much and all I can afford is just a packet of instant noodles everyday doesn't mean that I'm a hobo!_

* * *

"Wait a minute," Edgeworth said, interrupting the flashback, "Gumshoe came to you?"

"Who's Gumshoe?"

"The person whom you thought was a hobo. He works for me. He's currently being tortured by a woman with a whip."

"Okay, whatever. Can I get back to my flashback now? I wanna tell my story!!" the principal whined like a little girl.

I wonder…

Meh, never mind.

Maya barged into the room. "Your flashback bored me. Let's go do something else! Hey, I feel like getting into a big, "Glee"-esque show choir showdown involving performing in front of millions of rabid child-eating rabbits with lighters. I know, let's do that!"

The principal and Edgeworth sweatdropped. "Um, how did you get in here? Wasn't there supposed to be security guards outside that were supposed to stop everyone besides the judges?"

Maya cocked her head. "The one my rapid adult-eating hamsters ate? Do you know what I hate about pets? They just die for no reason sometimes when I feed them poison!! At least hamburgers doesn't~"

Edgeworth slammed his head onto the wall behind him.

Just like his beloved mentor did.

"Wait, why is Mr. Edgeworth here? I thought the people who were supposed to judge were children? You _said so yourself!!_"

The principal opened his desk drawing and stared at his leftover lunch, waiting for it to become a sandwich monster or something. Once that happens, he would be dubbed the person who discovered the sandwich monster and he would become rich and famous and would travel far, far away from the school and especially Maya.

"You see, considering the circumstances, Edgeworth _is _still a child if you take twenty years of his life away. So let's just pretend he's a little baby, okay? It'll save me all the trouble. Besides, it was a young lady with a whip who introduced him to me and let me use him as a judge free of charge. The less money I spend on judges, the more I can spend on other things, say a few new teachers because the rest either died or quit!" the principal spat.

Maya wiped his saliva off her face with the principal's dirty laundry that was also hanging on the wall like Edgeworth's. What is wrong with men and hanging their unwashed clothes?

The principal was about to lecture Maya on manners when suddenly Phoenix was dragged into the room by Pearl who was pulling him from the spikes of his hair.

Phoenix was trying to hold back his tears of what Maya thought were tears of joy.

"NIIIIIIIIIIIICCCCCKKKKKKK!! Maya screamed, "What are _you_ doing here?? I can understand Pearly being here. She's my favourite cousin and all, but you?? Aw, you missed me!! I told you I was your best assistant Nick!"

Phoenix sweatdropped. "Not exactly… I'm the judge… Pearls is too."

Larry came in.

"!! What are _you_ doing here? Aw, don't tell me you missed me! I told you I was your best best friend!!" Larry shouted.

Phoenix and Edgeworth groaned. Maya and Larry were really similar in so. Many. Ways.

"Anywho, let's get started on the competition already!!! I can't wait to show you the super super spectacular and very very hard song I just learnt!!" Larry shouted. He seemed really excited for some strange reason.

Everyone wondered what amazingly amazing song Larry chose.

They gave up as they their host, Godot came up the stage.

"What am I doing here? I'm supposed to be in court, exposing the truth and all that and throwing coffee cups at the defense!! I have a very tight schedule."

The principal rubbed his temples.

"I explained this already. I needed to be cost efficient. Besides, _she_ forced me to make you the host."

He was about to ask who _she_ is but then realized who it was. Me.

"Alright, as a gentleman, I say that Maya should go first. Have fun," Godot paused for a dramatic effect, "WHO _DRANK_ MY COFFEE?!?!"

Godot chased the janitor into a deep dark hole.

Maya went up the stage, microphone at the ready.

(The Numa Numa song. The misheard lyrics from **sbrools**. All credit goes to that person. *I got it from YouTube)

"_Ma-ia-hii!_

_Ma-ia-huu!!_

_Ma-ia-haa!!_

_Ma-ia-haha!! (3x) (3)_

_Aloe?_

_Salute?_

_Sit down, you high Duke_

_She tear, oh_

_You be the man_

_Who smashed the_

_feta cheese_

_Aloe?_

_Aloe?_

_Sit down, Picasso_

_Sound that beep!_

_Sheep is unique_

_That there stick_

_No share, misspeak_

_Raise the pressure_

_No my, no my 'A'_

_No my, no my 'A'_

_No my, no my, no my 'A' _

_Keep down!_

_Ragu sledding_

_Yay!_

_Now I'm impressed_

_Oh, key pay_

_Graze the flesh there_

_No my, no my 'A'_

_No my, no my 'A'_

_No my, no my, no my 'A'_

_Keep down!_

_Run from *bleeeeeeeeeeeep* (4)_

_Now I'm impressed_

_Oh key pay!_

_That soon?_

_Said spoon?_

_Jesse?_

_Ack *bleeeep*_

_Aloe?_

_You be the man_

_Sit down, feta cheese_

_Aloe? Aloe?_

_See the other shoe, Picasso!_

_Sound that-_ Oh I give up. It's something like that and I'm tired of singing this song! Basically it goes on and on!"

Everyone sweatdropped and clapped.

"Um, isn't it supposed to be Romanian or something? Why are you singing things that don't make sense?!" Phoenix shouted.

"I could hear that some parts of the song had been censored. Next time, choose a more appropriate song," commented Edgeworth.

"GO MYSTIC MAYA!!" Pearl cheered.

Maya waved and blew kisses at her adoring fans. (5)

Godot came up the stage again, explained how wonderful coffee was to the children and called Larry to go on the stage.

The music played a familiar tune everybody knew and loved… More or less.

"_Twinkle twinkle little star_

_How I wonder what you are_

_Up above the world so high_

_Like a diamond in the sky_

_Twinkle twinkle little star_

_How I wonder what you are"_

Everyone gave him an unbelievable look.

"How is this supposed to be hard and spectacular?" Phoenix asked.

"Have you_ seen_ the piano original ten-paged version of this song?! I HATE YOU MOZART!!" (6) Larry shouted.

"Um, right. How about you choose another song? (7) I think everyone deserves to hear another song from you. I think," Pearl exclaimed, "That was too short! Maya's was about two pages long!!"

Larry smiled and started to sing another song.

"_Barney is a dinosaur_

_From our imagination_

_And when he's tall_

_He's what we call_

_A dinosaur sensation_

_Barney's friends are big and small_

_They come from lots of places_

_After school they meet to play_

_And sing with happy faces_

_Barney shows us lots of things_

_Like how to play pretend_

_ABCs and 123s_

_And how to be a friend_

_Barney comes to play with us_

_Whenever we may need him_

_Barney can be your friend too_

_If you just make-believe him!_

What about that? Is that long enough?" Larry asked after finishing his song.

Apparently, no one informed him that everyone in that room hated Barney. The next thing he knew he was being strangled by children and being inflamed by the child-eating rabbits.

In the end, the security guards saved him and he was admitted into the hospital.

Somehow, the judges, save Pearl, were also sent to the hospital.

Pearl ended up in a ice-cream store sharing ice-cream with a child-eating rabbit who befriended Pearl.

The winner hasn't been decided, so I'm asking the readers to vote on who sang better. Larry or Maya?

* * *

**A/R: Let me explain. I noticed the little footnotes at the end weren't notes. They were kinda like rants. Hence A/R.**

**I was sorta confused on who should win. So I'm letting you vote. If Maya loses, then I'll end this fic right there and start another one starring Larry as a teacher. But I'll find something for Maya to do… I think. Anyway, press that review button and vote!! The next chappie should take a while. My dad was scolding me for multitasking so… **

**The shiny thing is his prosecutor's badge.**

**The ones in italics are flashbacks. I kinda got the first and second interviews after Larry's from the book **Guruku Super Lucu**, the third I made up. So yeah. All Indonesians out there: READ IT!! So funny!**

**I'm lazy to type the same thing over and over again. That's why I didn't finish the song at the end too.**

…**Some parts need to be censored…**

**Maya's adoring fans: Pearl, her students and the rapid child-eating rabbits with lighters at the back of the class.**

**As quoted by my friend when she saw the music sheets for the song.**

**I wanted to make this fic longer. **

**PLEASE REVIEW!!!**


	14. The Results! dun dun dun

Godot took a sip of his coffee. Which blend it was, even he lost count.

Godot took another sip and another one.

He took one more sip and then inhaled.

He exhaled.

He inhaled.

He exhaled again.

Basically, he was breathing and was still alive.

Everyone was watching his movements intently, piercing his body with their eyes and imaginary swords and aliens. They were waiting for the results.

Godot finally had enough of Phoenix, Larry, Pearl, Maya, Edgeworth, all the students and the child-eating rabbits at the back of the class staring at him with those bunny-rabbit eyes, forcing him to tell them who won the teacher-off.

"Look, I haven't gotten all the results yet. You'll have to wait until those useless judges vote too. It seems that not a lot of people voted. We've been waiting for more voters for the past few weeks. If you want to kill someone or whatever, take your anger and impatience out on those judges over there, but leave the little girl alone, unless you want to go to jail for child-abuse," Godot said. He looked at the blinds covering all the windows in the classroom. Heh. He ought to give credit to Maya and co. for hiding all the destruction she and her class had done to the poor, defenseless, steel-barred windows.

The judges coughed.

Pearl got up from her chair and went up to Godot and pulled his sleeve. "I vote for Mystic Maya," she said with her sweetest voice, kindest smile and her best puppy-dog-bunny-rabbit-cookie-monster eyes.

Godot couldn't help but smile and feel guilty for endangering her cousin's life a few months back. Maya was the only family she has left and he nearly took that away from the poor little girl who has lived through more than what she is supposed to. Meh, if he continues with this line of thought, then this chapter would soon become angsty and then everyone would cry manly tears.

He patted her head.

She glared at Phoenix to vote for Maya.

Pearl's glare gave Phoenix a headache. If Phoenix voted for Maya, he would not be punched and/or beaten up by an eight-year-old and Larry would bother him for the rest of his life. But if he voted for Larry, he _would_ be punched by an eight-year-old and he would be bothered every second of the day by Maya. Basically, if he voted for one person, the other person would bother him for the rest of his miserable hobo grape-juice filled life. But the only difference was that if he voted for Larry, Pearl would punch him; if he voted for Maya, Pearl wouldn't punch him. He voted for Maya.

Edgeworth tapped his fingers on the desk. Why on earth was he there in the first place? He had a really important meeting that afternoon, but since he's attending this…Violent circus! But, he might as well judge so that everyone there would be able to go home. The sooner he gets home, the sooner he would be able to have his peace.

By song choice, it was definitely Maya's that was better, but by the most childish, he would say Larry. They needed a childish adult to guide them through childish things. Besides, Maya has done enough help already. He took one look at the children of the class and cringed. He had never seen a class full of extremely smart people led by an idiot, but it would be interesting to see a group of geniuses being led by an idiot. Edgeworth voted for Larry.

"Finally!!" Godot said, taking a sip of his two million and twelfth cup of coffee. Edgeworth thinks too slowly. "The results are:

**Dragonridingattorney43** - Supposedly either **Larry **or **Gumshoe**

**Like I Care – Godot**

**JJ334 – Maya**

**Porky2 – **Wanted to vote for **Godot** but voted for **Larry** instead because Godot was the host.

**Pearl – Maya**

**Phoenix – Maya**

**Edgeworth – Larry**

_TOTAL:_

_(Alphabetical order)_

_Godot: 2_

_Gumshoe: 1_

_Larry: 3_

_Maya: 3_

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a tie and because we have a tie and we're all lazy to vote again and to wait for the votes, we'll compromise now!! So starting next week onwards they'll take shifts in teaching the children. Now that that's over with, we can go home and sulk that Gumshoe didn't win."

Everyone cheered.

Now they could finally go home after weeks and weeks of waiting.

Maya and Larry ran to a very deep and dark corner to talk about what they were going to teach the students together.

After their little discussion, Maya and Larry forced Phoenix to take them out to dinner. Edgeworth ended up paying.

**A/R: Yes!! I'm finally done!! It's not funny, like the other chapters, and if you haven't noticed, I've ended this fic. I'll start another one titled "Mr. Larry and Ms. Maya" sometime soon that is the continuation of this. Yeah, that's about it…**

**PLEASE REVIEW!!!**


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